Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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