Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
