i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
