Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
