I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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