Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
