i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize