the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
