We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
where are my pants?
in the oven.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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