I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
