They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Randomize