i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
