just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
