I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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