if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
