im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize