I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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