saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
