i just sent this text using only my big toe
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
