can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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