I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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