There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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