He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
