My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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