my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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