We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
