Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
false alarm, still single
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
