So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
