Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
