i already hear my dad disowning me
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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