someone threw a dead crab at me
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
