We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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