My hair reeks of homosexuality.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
