So drunk its hurt
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
