I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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