When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
