ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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