woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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