You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
