I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
