I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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