I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
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