What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
