I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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