He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just want nice things and good sex
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
