Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
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