I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you would pick up someone in the library
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
