Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
