drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
