You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
