I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
