I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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