guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
