this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
