last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
