Dude my mom stole all your condoms
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
