I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
