She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
