so explain again why im purple
no
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
