youre lurking in front of me
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
