Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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