That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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