Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
We need to get me chipped asap
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
