saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
porn star boner night. come get it.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
