I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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