Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
